Suffering the Fools (The Rant Edition)

"I won't suffer anyone who can't at least attempt to be open minded. The world isn't black and white, and everyone experiences a different reality. Who are we to say what is right or wrong for someone else?"

You know, I loved my life in the city. We were just talking about how Canada Post is going to end door-to-door mail service starting next month, and I was sad, because I remember how awesome and convenient that was! You don't realize the things you take for granted until they are no longer available. Want to know what else I took for granted? Having a damn good sushi restaurant just blocks from my door. Starbucks!! Chapters book stores (Can you believe there is no Chapters near me for hundreds of kilometers?!). Pizza delivery, or ANY food delivery. Reliable internet service.

Is it sad that 3 out of the things I listed were about food?

Moving here was a huge decision, in so many ways. I would say it was one of the biggest decisions of my life. I planned, I debated, I agonized over it. Do I give up a job I enjoy? Do I give up a life I fought hard to build? Do I begin again in a lifestyle in which I am so incredibly clueless? What about my daughter? Pull her out of public school? Move her away from the city? Will she be happier in a new setting?

No one can say that I made my decision on a whim.

Since moving here, since becoming more or less open about our family structure, the negativity we have had to endure has been astronomical. It is absurd how anyone can think that their personal (often misguided) opinions should be considered, much less be a contributing factor, in someone else's decisions for their life!

On the flip-side, we have had so many wonderful affirmations from so many unexpected sources. And to those who supported me in my decision, I am eternally grateful.

I asked a particularly nasty naysayer to give me one reason that my decision was somehow wrong, one reason that was 100% original thought, not influenced by culture, society, or religion, etc. And you know, the only one he could give me was that I was being "selfish".

Yes, I did give up a job I enjoyed. Also my career path in that job was practically laid out and paved in gold for me. However, I was still making peanuts, and struggling daily to make my bills.

Yes, I was uprooting from a life I had worked hard to build. I worked really goddamn hard to get where I was. But I was still struggling. And Isabella was suffering.

Yes, Isabella was enrolled in a good school, french immersion, conveniently just around the corner from our house. But she hated it. She asked me almost every morning if she really had to go to school that day. Her teachers were starting to whisper about dyslexia, and she didn't get along with any of her class mates. She hated it, and I hated sending her there because of it.

Not to mention that single parenting is really, really, really, really, really hard. Especially when you are thrown into it at a very young age. Even more so when you have an ex who seems to thrive off watching you struggle. I was breaking. Isabella was out of control. This life that I had fought so hard for was crumbling at the foundation.

Reading that list above, it almost seems like a no-brainer to have started over, but I am prideful, I am stubborn, and I am fiercely independent. Giving up my life meant that I would have to concede, to trust, and to rely on someone else, and oh boy! did it rankle. Completely goes against the grain of the tough exterior I carefully constructed over the years.

Ultimately, I chose to start again. I chose to give my daughter a fresh start in a place where she could express her self, be crazy, and be nurtured. Where she could run around, and be a kid, and benefit from having multiple parents who care for her well being.

I chose to exchange my struggles and stresses for a new and different set of struggles and stresses! The difference is, now I have the support of people who love and care deeply for me. The stuff that seemed insurmountable before has suddenly become manageable.

Through all of this though, we really discovered who was there for us. So many surprises. Family I have hardly talked to, much less seen, in decades came forward in support. High school friends, strangers on the internet.

So yes, I do miss my old life. But I miss it like I miss a good dream. I miss not having to hike over a kilometer to get my mail, I miss lattes, and pizza someone else cooked for me. But I love that I get to spend time with my daughter throughout the day, I love that I get to be there when she is having a hard time. I love that she is getting a quality education, with a teacher who is in tune with her, and that she is actually enjoying learning! I love that I get to explore the woods and the rivers without having to drive out of town first. I love that I get to watch the horses goof around out my office window. I love that I get to stay at home and take care of my family while also being able to work and contribute to the family unit. I may not be autonomous any longer, but I haven't felt trapped the way I have in the past. I love that I get to curl up on the couch at night, surrounded by the love and support of both my partners.

Perhaps it was selfish. Perhaps I should have stayed in the city, in our little 4-plex, scraping by, struggling to pay our bills, struggling with a daughter who had no one consistent person in her life.

But I don't think so.

I wouldn't chose for a second to go back to the way things were. And one day I hope the people who have chosen to remove themselves from our  life will recognize that.